I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
