you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
