Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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