its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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