I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
