omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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