i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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