They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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