I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
