If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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