it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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