Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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