I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Randomize
