Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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