The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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