Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
