i permit you to call me
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
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