a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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