why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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