so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
