oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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