im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
