I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
