Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
