My sheets look like a crime scene.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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