Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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