Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
