I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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