i think my mom watched the whole time
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
