fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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