if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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