Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Randomize
