I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
