You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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