M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
