i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
