quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
