Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
