The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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