i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
