I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
