Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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