I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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