On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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