Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
This baby is an asshole
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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