R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
BRING THE BAGELS
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
