if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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