we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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