oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
