Someone shit on the floor
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
