i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
