Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
