How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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